is it a bad sign when the oncologist gets tears in his eyes?

I'm thinking the answer is "yes". If this is true, then, we're not at a good place.

I went with Mom to chemo today-- she's been having a really rough week involving lots of throwing up, feeling really tired, really weak, and not sleeping hardly at all. Today, I had to hold on to her little skinny arm (my hand hand can almost reach all the way around) to get her into the dr's office without falling. Everyone who saw her asked if she was having a hard day and she did look it. She lost 3 pounds since last Friday and her platelets dropped again into the mid-twenties.

With Tara on the 4th of July

When the oncologist came to chat in the exam room, he took one look at her and said, "You've lost weight. You don't look so good." Then, she talked about how she's throwing up a ton again because her new gastric tube is smaller and isn't pulling things out of her stomach as quickly as the other one. He came up with a solution to that problem: call the home health people and get them to come with a suction tube. He looked at her and said, "You're getting frustrated." She just nodded.

 Then, he let her stay in her chair instead of getting up on the exam table b/c she looked so weak, as he listened to her heart and lungs. She told him that her surgical scar has been bothering her and she undid her pants a little to expose the area around her belly button, and it's swollen and has these little bumps all over. He touched the area and said, "This doesn't look good. These look like cancer bumps." He got tears in his eyes and he sat back and looked at her.
Mom then said, "It's just so hard."
He responded, "Well, you are one of the strongest people I know. You are a fighter."
Mom teared up and looked away as she almost whispered, "I guess we'll just keep fighting."
"You are strong but everyone will understand if you decide that you don't want to do this anymore." His eyes completely filled with tears and he looked at me and said to her, "Your family will understand. They will understand if you want to stop fighting."
A couple of tears escaped Mom's eyes as she looked down, not even glancing at me and didn't say anything.

AAAAAGH!!!!!

What does it mean when your oncologist gives you permission to stop fighting?????? As I sat there breathing deeply as to avoid crying, I looked at this man, who's probably in his early 40's and wondered what possesses people to go into a medical field where you lose so many people? Is it worth it when one person you work with gets better even though you lose a few? I really admired him and his compassion and the fact that he did tear up and his eyes did get red as he looked at her.  What an awful job to tell people that they are nearing the end of their lives and to give people permission to stop fighting.

He did talk to her about doing another dose of the extra drug they're trying since the only side effect she seems to have from it is she's getting pimples (weird, huh?). So, in the chemo room, we were the only ones for a while and the nurse, Lisa (who just survived breast cancer) was amazing but I could tell that she'd talked to Dr. Stinnett and knew things aren't going so well. Mom took her nap during the Benedryl drip and dozed in and out for the other hour and a half she was hooked up to her drug.

I almost cried as they changed her port thing in her chest... Mom just looked so miserable and so skinny... at 102 pounds she literally looks like a Holocaust survivor.. she even has the buzzed head look. This isn't really a life, it's survival at best and she's so unhappy. I don't think I would have survived as long as she has and kept going. I just wonder how long she'll be able to keep it up and if the bumps on her tummy are cancer bumps... what happens next?

Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there.  ~Author Unknown


If one truly has lost hope, one would not be on hand to say so.  ~Eric Bentley