four months

and I'm wishing we could just skip past Christmas, miss New Year's and not remember that Mom is missing it all.

But at the same time, I don't want the year to end. When the clock strikes twelve on Dec. 31, the year 2011 will officially be over, and so will the last moments of the year when I still had a mom.

It's been four months but it feels like for-freaking-ever sometimes and at other times, I bring up memories of the night she died and that overwhelming, panicky feeling comes back all too quickly and I feel like it was just minutes ago. The one thing I could never even fathom happening when she was diagnosed with cancer came and went and it's been four months and I miss having a mom like I've never missed anything before.

I want to show her the cute crafts I made for Christmas, especially the "joy" pictures I made. I want her to try my homemade almond joys. I want to show her that I still hang the wreath she made me when I had my first Christmas in my own apartment after college. I want her to read The Help so we can talk about it. (Why is it that everything has a parent with cancer?) I want to talk to her about what I should do with my job next year (I'm applying to work adjunct at SLCC, Westminster College and maybe UVU). I just want my mommy.