Mom Moments

I didn't write about the 5 month mark of Mom passing away; it was too hard. January was an awful "Mom Moment Month" wherein I cried almost everyday again.

One week I cried everyday as I cooked dinner-- who knew cutting onions could bring about real tears so easily?

One day I cried and cried as I read in the Book of Mormon about Lehi saying good bye to his kids on his deathbed and his advice for them. My mom only had "nice" things to say to each of us in her deathbed farewell, but the emotion of that moment is still soooooo heart wrenching for me that thinking about Lehi leaving his sons alone in the desert while half of them keep trying to kill the other half was really emotional.

Most nights I'd cry in my night prayers thinking about the day and how much I just wanted to talk to my mom. One day I got to my car after school and pulled out my phone to call her. And then I remembered.

I went through the nightmare phase again for a few days there. Weird, weird dreams that left me feeling grateful to wake up and leave them behind. Then, I got to wishing I could wake up from reality, call my mom and say, "Mom! I had the most awful dream that you got cancer and died. I'm so glad you're ok." Reality bites sometimes.

Have you noticed how many movies, tv shows, books, etc have parents dying of cancer in them. Holy Cow! Cancer is the Bubonic plague of our time, I swear. I had NO IDEA that "We Bought a Zoo" focused on the fact that the mom died, and that's why they bought a zoo. I cried through most of the movie and warned all my siblings to NOT go see it. It totally blind-sided me.

Right after she passed away, I remember thinking that the pain would have to go away. Broken hearts heal after a while and I really thought this would get easier.

As hard as Thanksgiving was, Christmas was a million-gazillion times worse. Mom made Christmas and I can't even count the times we'd be doing something and all at once we'd all look at each other and tear up and quickly look away. We cried a lot, too. We went through Mom's closet again and cried as we pulled out her clothes and made a DI pile. When we pulled out her dressy clothes-- the dresses she wore to Amanda and Alan's weddings, especially-- Laurel had to leave the room (having just gotten engaged) and Dad and I just stared at the pile of dresses she'll never wear again and then we put them back in the closet. I thought of all the weddings left that she won't be buying new dresses for since there are (hopefully) five weddings left and she won't be there for any of them.

So, I thought that this broken heart feeling would start to subside and go away. Instead, I've realized that dating broken hearts are like a cut-- they may be deep, but eventually the two sides come together relatively seamlessly and leave only a small scar.

This broken heart is more like a third degree burn. Just as you think it's starting to heal, all the scabs have to be scraped off and it feels like you're starting over. January was a scraping off month for me. With burns, I hear, they scrape off the new skin to make sure it heals from the bottom up to get a more complete recovery. As long as that's the method being used on my heart, I'll keep going and trust that healing is actually happening.

I just really, really, really miss my mom. I think about her everyday and I think about the conversations I'd have with her and the things we'd do together and the things she's missing and it makes me sad.

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This Sunday I get to teach Young Women. The title of the lesson: Finding Joy Now. It's been a good study for me for the past couple of weeks. I've been thinking about my coping techniques for bad days and how I recover emotionally.
~  I just have to shamelessly cry.
~ I read a book-- I'm rereading The Host by Stephenie Meyer (not a vampire book!) right now.
~ I listen to cheesy love songs
(favorites right now are "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron & Wine, "Thousand Years" by Christina Perri  and "Turning Page" by Sleeping at Last from the "Breaking Dawn" soundtrack; "Everything at Once" by Lenka; "Everybody" by Ingrid Michelson, and "Capture" by Summer Ames.)
~ I do Pilates.
~  I go to the temple
~ I talk to my sisters on the phone and on Skype
~ I pray
~ I look up at the mountains and am grateful for living in a beautiful city

Even in the midst of life sucking, there are plenty of reasons to find joy now.