The Week in Review

Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man.  ~Victor Hugo

Monday, after school I went up to Layton to take little bro to a corn maze and to pick out pumpkins. We had a great time. Dad gave up the update that Mom's incision was infected and so they had to open it up, clear out the infection and pack the wound with gauze. Not super good news. Also, her top incision split when she was throwing up her jello, so more staples were removed and the top wound has to also be packed. This is bad since chemo can't start unless her wounds are healing and a week after surgery, just when they were starting to close up, they had to be reopened.

Tuesday, I took the day off of work and spent the day at the hospital with Mom since Dad had meetings all day. It was a good day and I was surprised at how time doesn't really matter other than to gauge time between pain medications and meals. The day went by quickly as we talked about our "normal" stuff, waited the two hours between pain injections in the IV, talked about food and what sounded good to her, walked around the hallway a few times to get her laps in, and she napped for a while. At one point, the nurse came in and prepped Mom for a breast MRI since they thought she had breast cancer (due to the pathology report suppositions). They took her away and not too long after they brought her back and Mom came in, sat in her little chair and just looked at me and started crying. She said, "They wouldn't let me do it. They wouldn't let me do it." Oh. Sad. She was disappointed to the Nth degree because she so wanted to find out something about her type of cancer. Her doctor came in and Mom started crying as she told him that she'd gone down there and when she found out she had to lay on her swollen stapled stomach without moving for 30 minutes, she just couldn't do it. After she came back, they had to re-hook her up to her potassium drip in the IV and not more than ten minutes later, it was burning so bad she was curled up as much as possible in her chair crying and holding her arm. For the rest of my life, I will never, ever forget the sight of my cute little mommy crying and crying as we waited for the nurse to come at take care of her burning pain. It was awful. She was in so much pain the nurse decided to just end the drip right then and figured she'd had enough of the potassium from her time on the IV in the morning. For the rest of the day we just sat and talked about her pathology report they'd brought and on the internet we looked up all the terms we didn't know. I showed her my favorite youtube videos and I showed her Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband (I'd been to a fireside with them on Sunday) and their video for "Dream Big". I think she really liked it. My dad came in after work and then I left to get to YW.

Wednesday, I took another day off and spent the day up at the Huntsman with my mom. She ate more than she had before, which was a great sign! She threw up a little bit after breakfast, but they had started her on oral pain meds and those all stayed in. She had some gas pains, which, while painful, was a good sign that her intestines were starting to work again. Wednesday she had more color, she had more energy and she was walking better. The physical therapist came in and worked with her and it was pretty obvious that she'd been in good shape before getting sick. She took a long nap, during which I read a book and took a little nap. It was a beautiful day so we  a little field trip outside to the patio on the 4th floor and sat in the sun for about 20 minutes- she's only been outside three times in the last 8 days so she really enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. We played Boggle (our favorite game to play together). At one point, one of the residents on Mom's case came in as said, "We need to do a biopsy on your uterus. We have a room ready right now. Let's get your nurse to tell her and then I'll take you down." Right then and there they took her down for that little test. A little bit later, the oncologist came in and I helped make sure the list of questions my dad had left were answered. This doctor didn't believe the whole breast cancer thing and so she laid out the chemo plan for uterine or ovarian cancer. She seemed really optimistic about the whole thing and was only concerned about the open wounds and said they'd need to heal better before starting chemo since chemo inhibits the immune system. The day was pretty good. She was eating better than she had before. We had a tentative plan for chemo. We knew some of the steps for when she'd be able to get out of the hospital. I left when my aunt from Vegas came and I had to run back over to school for an event.

Thursday I went back to school. Bleh. After school, I came home, went for a 4 mile walk, listen to the birds chirp, looked at the beautiful Fall colors, had a good dinner (the first all week) and then went to the hospital. Two of my aunts were there and we all did a lap around the floor with Mom. I found out that she'd thrown up all day long and they'd put her back on a clear liquid diet. Not good news. I was told that the uterine test came back negative, meaning that they were again at a loss for what type of cancer she has. I spent the rest of my evening with her as we just talked and I stayed until she was dropping off and very read for bed. They gave her pain meds, I tucked her in and I left around 10:00 or so. It breaks my heart every time I have to leave. I cried all the way home because there is nothing I can do and she's in so much pain.

Friday I went to the hospital right after school. I stopped in the rest room on my way in and found my Vegas aunt in there. The first thing she asked was, "Have you been to your mom's room yet?" Um, no. "Well, there have been some changes since yesterday. She now has a tube up her nose sucking out the contents of her stomach." What?! Oh, how sad. Apparently, they'd done an X-ray during the day to see why her intestines hadn't fully started working yet and found an obstruction and so as a precaution they decided to give her a NG tube to take some of the pressure off her intestines. (it's a tube up her nose and down into her stomach that sucks the contents up and into a bucket-- it's really gross to watch) They also gave her a PIC line so now she receives all of her nutrition through an IV line that goes in through the top of her arm and directly into her veins. She couldn't talk because of the tube down her throat and she couldn't eat or drink because they needed the stomach to empty out. After I got there, they took her down for another CT scan to see if her intestines had holes or not. My aunt and I talked while she was gone about how the day went. Apparently, the nurse had been pretty rough and made things even more unpleasant than they needed to be as all the new tubes were being put in. My poor mom was MISERABLE. The doctor came in to tell her that they figure the cancer is actually colon cancer. They'd done some more tests on the samples they'd collected during surgery and are now pretty certain it's colon. At one point they were going to give her a colonoscopy but didn't and figured that if they did one at this point, her intestines might rupture and then they'd have to do emergency surgery. So, they're going with colon cancer. We were told that the oncologist would be in in the morning to go over chemo plans for this type of cancer since treatment is very different from any other type. We also learned that with the NG tube, her earliest release date is Monday, if things go well. My dad and I left once two other aunts came. The poor man is so caught between having to get work done at the office, taking care of the kids and being with my poor suffering mom. I cried and sobbed all the way home and then when my plans were canceled, I had nothing to do but come home to an empty house and cry. The hope I'd been feeling lingering was gone and I was fully picturing getting the phone call telling me she was gone. I'll just admit that I had the horrible thought of "why would I even want to be a mom when I'll just get cancer when my kids are little and then I'll put them through the hell I'm going through now. I never want my kids to go through what I'm going through."

Saturday I caught up on all my errands/chores that had been neglected for the past 2 weeks. I went up to Snowbird with friends and rode the tram. I was supposed to go to a Halloween party with friends but since my little brother was going to be alone at the house again, I decided to go up and hang out with him instead. On my way up, it was slightly sprinkling and there was a rainbow at the northeast side of the SL Valley. It looked like it was near the hospital and I thought to myself, "I hope Mom can see this." And then, I thought about God's promise to the world and was reminded that He keeps his promises to His children. When I was getting off the freeway in Layton, I saw a double rainbow that looked like it was over the house and I thought about how rainbows are a sign of hope. (thank you, Heavenly Father for small and simple reminders!) Will and I had a great evening; we carved pumpkins, ate Halloween treats, and watched "The Nightmare Before Christmas" and "2012". Dad came home from the hospital to tell me that after reviewing the CT scan, they discovered liquid in Mom's lungs, and from her daily blood tests found that her white blood cell counts had suddenly jumped and she had a pretty high fever. Infection. Now, they can't start chemo until they figure out 1. where the infection is and 2. what the heck is going on with the liquid in her lungs. The oncologist said they can't have any infections going in to chemo so treatment is again put off. Her top incision is healing but the bottom one has so much pressure on it from her abdominal swelling that it's still splitting and not healing. A pulmonary dr. came in at 10pm to listen to her lungs and say that they'll probably have to drain the lungs and test the fluid to see what's going on. Someone was supposed to come in Sunday to do this. Oh, and her NG tupe worked its way out and they had to put another one in. This one, however, is smaller so she can actually talk, but she still can't eat or drink anything. Again, with the bad news. Just when you think things might be ok- they get worse.

Sunday, today. I spent the night on a couch in the basement, woke up in the same clothes I wore Saturday, grabbed a bite to eat and then got to the hospital by 9:10am. Dad has decided that since we never know when the doctors will show up, we need someone there pretty much all the time so Mom isn't alone when they do finally appear. I was to have the morning shift before my ward at 1pm. Mom's intestines were hurting when I got there so I convinced her she needed pain meds (even though she hasn't had any since 2am Friday). Her assigned nurse went home sick so we saw the Nursing Director, who was very nice and very attentive and listened to Mom talk about some of the pains/discomfort she has. Another nurse was called in at the last minute, and it just happened to be the nurse from Wed. that we really liked. Victoria is a great nurse: she's a quick responder to alarms, calm, direct, careful, sensitive, listens, offers reassurance. She just inspires trust and confidence-- traits we sort of need at this point with all the junk going on in Mom's body. Mom finally did have a bowel movement!! YEAH!!! This means that the NG tube is doing its job of relieving pressure on the intestines by keeping the stomach clear. Hopefully, the obstruction with work itself out without too much delay. Today, she was really uncomfortable and spent most of the day in bed sleeping or dozing. The out of town siblings all stopped by (there were here for a surprise party for one of the SLC siblings), which really made Mom happy, It nearly broke my heart to watch my uncle and mom say good bye. It's amazing how they are still so close even after living so far apart of the last 30 years. (It's hard to leave not knowing what tomorrow will bring.) After they left, I really needed to leave for my ward, but Mom was upset at having to say goodbye that I just couldn't leave her. I guess I could have since 5 min. later MY brother and sister-in-law and niece all showed up. I ended up skipping church and spent the rest of the afternoon talking with them. Mom really just slept, sucked on her little ice water sponge (the only liquid she's allowed). I feel so bad for her because she feels like she's starving, even though the PIC line is giving her 1,900 calories a day in hard core nutrients, because her stomach is empty and growling. One of the doctors came and said their team had been meeting and they'll decided tomorrow or sometime this week if they need to drain her lung- they're hoping it doesn't collapse or something. She also addressed Dad's concern that because of her swollen abdomen, her lower incision still isn't closing and will talk to other doctors tomorrow about draining all fluid so her wound can heal faster.

So, now it's Sunday night and I have to go back to school tomorrow (gag me now) and I feel like it's still Friday night. Where did my weekend go? This is really and truly one heck of a challenge. It's an emotional roller coaster everyday. Everyday something new develops, something new is preventing the start of chemo, something new causes my mom pain and distress. She's really a trooper but after 12 days in the hospital,  she's starting to just feel done with it all; it's literally a nightmare that never ends. There are always needles and IVs, nurses, doctors, new tests, new results, and never a plan for when she can get out of the hospital, never a plan for when they can start chemo and end the pressure of cancer on her intestines, never a totally straight answer about what the future holds. Nightmare to be sure.