Thursday update

Last week I was going ok- going to school, talking to Mom everyday, etc. Then, I went to Ward Temple Night at the Draper Temple. I was fine until the prayer and then I lost it. I just started crying and crying and barely stopped long enough to get to the Celestial room. I was going to split but my visiting teacher stopped me and I had to explain everything since she had no idea what had been going on. We talked until the room cleared and then she left and I sat down in an empty Celestial room (other than the little worker sister) and cried for a good half hour with only my sniffles breaking the silence.

The next day, Mom had her first appointment with the oncologist and she texted me to see if I could go with her to chemo on Friday since Dad was going out of town. I immediately called for a sub. I spent the night up at the parent's house so I could help get little bro to school and get Mom to the oncologist's by 9. Friday morning we left the house at 8:45am and returned about 5:30pm. We went to the oncologist where she had check in stuff, a 20 min drip of meds and then a 2 hour drip of chemo. After that, we had to go across the parking lot to the hospital, get checked in, and then she had a 4 hour drip of 2 units of blood. I had no idea that blood transfusions involved only having an IV drip of blood. I teased her she was turning into a vampire because I was reminded of the Cullens and their stock of blood for emergencies.

Mom is such a trooper. I can't even imagine getting poked as much as she did that day. The chemo was fine but a boost of drugs they gave her at the end really hurt and she just cried as the nurse pushed the meds in and held a heating pad on her arm. During the blood transfusion she was going ok, for about 10 min, then her vein was just in too much shock and in too much pain and I had to call for the nurse to come switch the IV to the other arm. I hate those moments because there's nothing for me to do except hold her hand and cry, too. The whole blood thing took forever, it seemed. I had my iPod that she listened to (she liked a BYU Devotional by Bruce R McConkie about faith. He said that faith is power and she found that really motivating).

She threw up at about hour 3 of the blood thing. That was pretty sad because she couldn't bend her IV arm, we only had a ziplock back she had in her purse, so I held the bag while she barfed. I'm sure it was a relatively comical scene when the nurse found us-- Mom hunched over throwing up into a bag her daughter was holding, head facing to the side, eyes squeezed shut and watering, and face in a grimace trying not to upchuck herself. At that moment, I was thinking about some conversations we've had as a family where we've listed all the names for "throwing up". Never in a million years did I think I'd be trying not to toss my own cookies as my mom got sick.

Other than that, the day was just exhausting and we were glad to get home. Mom's nausea meds haven't worked since Friday morning, resulting in her having to go in for an IV Monday to replace all her liquids (she'd lost 10 pounds since Friday just in water weight). She was going in again today to get more. Next week she'll get a port placed below her collar bone so she won't have to deal with IVs anymore.

My home teachers came Monday night to give me a blessing and that has really helped me with this week. What I haven't divulged is that since August my school year has been the most stressful EV.ER and so to have to deal with all this stuff with my mom has been really, really, really, really tough. I have no escape. Most days I would seriously rather be with my mom with her throwing up and getting poked than deal with school. I've pretty much decided that this will be my last year at this school because I sort of dread it everyday. Saturday night, as I was driving home from being in Layton all weekend, I was thinking about how I didn't want to go to bed because then it would be Sunday, the day before Monday and then I'd have to go to work. Pathetic, isn't it? What's sad is that it's not just students, it's mostly administrative issues (as in, I hate seeing my boss) that are getting the best of me.

Anyway, not to vent, but having amazing home teachers really saved me this week. I've been calmer and have been able to actually focus for the first time in a month. I haven't decided if dealing with the guys I've been meeting has been a help or not (see the blog in my list called "Dating missteps" for those stories) but at least they've given me stories to tell my mom while she's "convalescing".