I knew from the moment my alarm went off today that it was going to be a rough day and it was pretty much all I could do to just get my classes started on their assignment and then stay busy at my desk to avoid tearing up in front of the kids.
A friend I work with says that grief comes like waves. Sometimes the waves tickle your toes; sometimes you see them on the horizon and that's as far in as they get; and sometimes they almost push you over and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a great analogy. Today, the waves sort of created a swirling pool around me and finally washed me out to sea.
Another woman I work with says that if you keep picking at a sore, it will never heal. My response to her was, "But do you really want the Mom Wound to heal?" I sort of feel like if I still feel pain that takes my breath away, then she's not really gone and I won't run the risk of losing my memories of her.
What's ironic is that on days like today- where I just feel sad-, the only person I really want to talk to is my mom, yet she's the reason for my emotions in the first place.
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| Us watching the Pioneer Day Parade in 2009 |
2 comments:
I hope whoever made the "picking at a sore" analogy wasn't trying to give you advice. That only applies to physical wounds and a few emotional ones, like anger or offense at something someone else did. I wasn't going to tell you this because I don't want you to be discouraged, but I have another friend who lost a fantastic mom at a young age to some crazy cancer- very similar story to yours. She said it took a year to feel like she had her feet back under her and even six months out, she said she had days where she felt like she was "back to the beginning." I found it helpful to talk to her, because while the burglary we had last year was nothing like losing a parent too young, it was the most traumatic thing I'd ever experienced and not very many people seemed to know what it was like to have something like that hit you.
Anyway. My point is, recovery from grief is not a linear thing. If you could graph such a thing, it would be a jagged line with lots of ups and downs and a (very) gradual upward trend. It's entirely appropriate for you to still be grieving this loss and I really don't think you'll trap yourself in more grief than you need to. I just wish everyone in your world would grant you the license to deal with it the way you need to. Anniversaries and special occasions are harder- it's a fact. Still thinking of you and praying for you every day.
Grieving is natural and not at all indicative of weakness or lack of fath. Losing a loved one is not something you just "get over" in a few weeks, and that's ok. Don't let people make you feel like something's wrong with you just because they don't understand what you're going through.
President Hinckley missed his wife "every day, every moment" for the next four years, and that was ok. (See http://lds.org/liahona/2008/04-ee/god-be-with-you-till-we-meet-again)
Last Saturday President Uchtdorf said something that came to mind immediately for me when I read your post: "Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise."
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